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Mehez us'se dur jaane ka khayal is dil ki dhadkan ko kam kar deta hai.

Na jaane ye kesa benaam rishta hai, jo hai bhi nhi aur hum nibha bhi rahe hain.

_N.J

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"Papa, what's the reason?" Hamdan asked from the other side.

"There is no point of discussion about this, do whatever you all want to do." Saying that Anwar disconnects the call. He was hurt as well as angry with Shifa. He didn't want to do anything which could hurt Shifa but every time things don't go accordingly.

Hamdan knew very well how he could handle his father but the only problem was the distance between them. He could not come so shortly and handling everything on call wasn't possible for him so he decided to give this responsibility to the most underrated member of his family. No one else but Bilal.

<><><><><>

Maryam both clean the dinner table and Anwar went to the room without paying attention to Shifa who was still having the last bite.

"Make tea for papa," Bilal whispered in her ear making her head jerk sarcastically. "Why do you want to waste milk, sugar and tea leaves? He won't have tea made by me."

"Come on Shifa appi, you also know he doesn't hate you, he's just not agreeing with Daniyal bhai's proposal." Bilal put his point which was useless for Shifa as she was at the peak of her stubbornness and anger, unlike ever.

"Shifa aapi." Bilal glared at her. "What?" Sue glared at him back in anger, "He has been neglecting all my efforts till now, do you really think a cup of tea will change his mind? Are you out of your mind?" Asked the angry Shifa. But in reality, she was not angry.

Frustration, anger and helplessness all are different emotions. Sometimes when we can't express one we rename it.

Same as Shifa's case. This strong girl wasn't angry but frustrated.

"Aapi, please." Bilal requested and Shifa huffed while going toward the kitchen. "Mumma, I'm doing the dishes, now you go and take rest." Shifa picked up the saucepan and pour some water into it, while already tired Maryam left half of the dishes in the sink and passed a weak smile.

"Thanks, beta. I'm not feeling well today."

"I know. You take a rest I'm bringing you a ginger tea." Said the strong girl with a well-presented smile while adding sugar and tea leaves to the water. Putting that on the flame she started doing the dishes on the other hand Bilal took a deep breath.

"Come on Bilal, you have to prove yourself." mumbling that he walked to the room of his parents. Anwar was laid down on the bed covering his eyes with his forearm and Maryam was drawing her night suit from the cupboard. Without choosing to make a noise Bilal sat down on the food side of the bed and soon Anwar felt two hands pressing his shin. Removing his arm from his eyes he saw the owner of those hands and Bilal smiled while mumbling. "Sorry."

"Go to your room." A rude order from Anwar and he again covered his eyes with his arm. "Papa, main to aapka favourite beta hu na..." Bilal asked in overdramatic style but get no response from his father.

(Papa I'm your favourite son. Am I not?)

"Papa~" and the 23 years old little boy shook his father's leg like it was a branch of a tree.

"What's wrong with you?" It was an angry question from Anwar which scared Maryam but not enough to scare Bilal.

"Same what's wrong with you. Stubbornness. You know what, biologically you're my father and I'm your son, so we have the same DNA and I guess we both have the same stubbornness issues too. So don't show up me your hardheadedness, I have the same personality as yours." Bilal practically scolded his father making him amazed. He's the only individual who never fails to amaze Anwar by dismissing his anger and overbearing outcomes. From childhood to now, Bilal was exhibiting his playful nature which was enough to soften his father's heart, something similar happened today too but not completely.

"Papa." Bilal again shook his leg and he signed in a defeated manner while sitting down on the bed. "What?"

"I'm sorry na... Other night I was angry and didn't pay attention to my tone." Leaving the shin Bilal held Anwar's hand, his requesting form was so innocent that Anwar's anger gave up and he smiled while slapping Bilal's head.

"Mend your ways... I'm telling you again to focus on your studies and get a good job just like Hamdan." Anwar glared at his son with well-pretended anger. And Maryam was silently witnessing how well her son manipulates his father's mind.

"Just like Hamdan bhai? And what about Shifa aapi? She's also doing a good job." Bilal said in a hushed tone to get no response from his father. "Papa, aren't you going injustice with Shifa aapi? I haven't seen you talking to her like a father, you must be hurt because of her rude behaviour toward you the other night but you're doing the same with her since childhood."

"I'm not doing anything with her. I never want anything wrong with her." Anwar defend himself but Bilal smiled in sarcasm. "But also never did anything which could prove your statement true either."

Maryam was amazed to see Bilal putting those points that she always wanted to do, but sometimes youngsters do those works in which elders fail to get success. "Why are you refusing Daniyal bhai's proposal? He's well educated and good looking, belongs to a good family, he's earning good, then what's the point papa?" Bilal asked while pressing his arm with a moderate amount of force and Anwar was silent for a while.

"Papa is rishte ke liye maan jaiye na..." Bilal demanded in a sweet tone at the same time Shifa stepped into the room with a tray which was holding two cups of tea.

(Papa please do accept this proposal...)

"Tum logo ko jo karna hai karo, Mere maan'ne ya na maan'ne se kya farq padta hai?" Said the already hurt Anwar while glancing at Shifa who suddenly got tears in her eyes. Though she still doesn't like to show her emotional weakness but now she could not control her tears anymore. Maybe she had already crossed the limits of her tolerance.

(Do whatever you all want to do, does my acceptance matter at all?)

"Aaj tak jo bhi kara hai aapko manane ke liye ho to kra hai, lekin aap kabhi maante hi nhi hain.''

(Till date I've done everything to gain your acceptance but you just don't accept me) 

Mumbling that Shifa placed the tray on the side table and turned to go but a call stopped her to take another step. "Come here," Anwar ordered her in a rude tone, deep down he didn't like tears present in Shifa's eyes. Whatever happened in past, he never had a bad intention for Shifa. She sat down on the edge of the bed without choosing to say a single word. Her left side was facing Anwar and Bilal was in front of her.

"Tumhe lagta hai tum Daniyal ke sath khush rahogi?" He asked in his signature tone, For a moment Shifa was confused, was that a question or a sarcastic statement?

(Do you think you'll be happy with Daniyal?)

After a few minutes long silence Anwar made sure that it was a question only not sarcasm. "I'm asking something." Shifa looked at her mother and then looked at her father while shrugging her shoulders.

"I don't want to get married. Neither to Daniyal nor to anyone else, you do whatever you want. Just don't be angry with mummy and Bilal because of me." Shifa stood up with this statement. Maryam was kinda shocked to hear that. Anwar and Bilal weren't expecting such a reply from her but no one knows what Shifa was thinking and hiding in herself.

For the last seven days, she was witnessing Anawr's cold behaviour toward Maryam and Bilal, and she was blaming herself for this. After thinking a lot about the whole matter she decided to kill one more wish of hers. She believes if one reason of happiness give rise to problems for others, then that happiness is no less than a curse itself.

"Bachpan se aaj tak isne yahi to kra hai, apni har khwahish ko dabaya hai taaki aap khush ho jayain, aaj bhi yahi kar rahi hai." Maryam let out her pain which made Anwar realise the condition of Shifa's heart.

(This is what she has done from childhood till today, she has suppressed her every desire to you happy. She's doing the same even today.)

Aah... This mother and daughter...

They both know how to kill themselves to let others live without having a hard time.

But is this acceptable to leave your own happiness every time?

<><><><>

Dear diary,

One more time I have to prove myself. I'm not sure if I should do this or not, but I can't see mummy struggling to balance between her daughter and her husband. My existence has brought only problems for her, I couldn't help that situation but at least now I can do whatever makes her feel happy. I wish I could reverse the time and vanish my existence to make my mom's life easy.

_Shifa.

Closing the diary she picked up her mobile phone, glanced at Daniyal's profile and smiled sadly. "You don't love me, I don't love you, so what's the point of this marriage? We can live without each other." With the same broken smile, she placed down the mobile and open her books to focus on her studies. "The 2-norbornyl cation was one of the first examples of a non-classical ion. Non-classical ions can be defined as organic cations in which electron density of a filled bonding orbital is shared over three or more centres and contains some sigma-bond character"

"Deni you shouldn't come into my life." Closing her eyes she mumbled and rest her head on the book. "But he doesn't even come into my life," she again muttered and smiled with her closed eyes.

Not a happy smile.

"No problem! It's also good that I'm not becoming the reason for mumma's hardship one more time." She provides a reason to her heart just to make it at peace but is that so easy to make yourself satisfied with false reasoning? She was silently debating with herself when her mobile beeped, it was Bilal's text.

Shifa aapi come here quickly with a bottle of water.

"Now what's wrong?" Mumbling that Shifa walked toward the kitchen.

<><><><>

"Do whatever Shifa want. I don't have any problem." Anwar's voice fall in Shifa's ears when she entered her parents' room with a bottle of water.

"Mumma," Shifa muttered looking at Maryam who was sitting on the edge of the bed holding a strip of painkiller in her hand. "What happened?" She asked while pouring water into the glass, the strip of painkiller was yelling loudly that someone was not well.

"Shifa Aapi, listen to what papa is saying!" Bilal said with a happy smile but Anwar wasn't looking happy at all. Shifa looked at all three faces present in the room and shrugged her shoulders when she didn't get a response. "What?" She asked in a whisper.

"Tumhe jesa theek lage wesa karo, mujhe koi pareshani nhi hai,"  Anwar announced without showing any kind of expression which made Maryam and Bilal happy but Shifa didn't even smile.

(Do whatever you want. I don't have any problem.)

"Jo main chahti hu agar wo sab hi karna hota to abhi tak bohot se aese kaam kar chuki hoti jis se main khush hoti aur aap dukhi, lekin mujhe aesa kuch nhi karna jis se aap log khush na ho. Jesa aapko theek lage wesa kariye. And I'm sorry for the other night. Main gusse main thi, pta nhi kya kya bol diya tha."

(If I had to do all that I want, I would have done so many things till now that would have made me happy but brought sorrow to you. But I don't wanna make anyone sad or angry, so you do whatever you want. And I'm sorry for the other night. I spoke out everything out of fury.)

"Mera fesla maan logi?" Anwar asked and Shifa tried to pass a smile but how could a person smile when she's dying from inside.

(Will you accept my decision?)

"Ji." She nod her head.

"Mujhe ye rishta pasand nhi hai, main aakhri baar puch rha hu tumhari kya marzi hai?" The signature tone of Anwar rang in the silent room.

(I don't like this match. I'm asking your decision for the last time)

For the next two minutes, there was silence in the room, She took a deep breath and let it out while holding back her tears very strongly. "Jesi aapki marzi."

(As you wish)

 Bilal and Maryam were shocked to see Shifa leaving that opportunity. She didn't wait and turned in a hurry to go back to her room so that her tears got privacy to come out freely.

"Maryam." Anwar's call was rude and stopped Shifa at her spot... "Mera mobile do, kazmi sahab ko call karni hai." Shifa looked at her mother then towards Bilal, fresh tears gatheted in her eyes. Though she didn't want so but those stubborn tears... Anwar dialed a number and notice tears in Shifa's eyes.

(Give me my mobile, I've to call kazmi Sahab

"I don't have any happiness in my life." She turns to go when a voice stopped her

"Aadaab Kazmi sahab... Sab kheriyat hai, ek zaruri baat krni thi agar aap free hon?"

(Greetings Kazmi Sahab, actually I called you to discuss something important if you're free right now.)

"Yeah. I'm all on ears" said the sincere Mr Kazmi in a hushed tone. Shifa's heart started sinking. Her eyes became wet and her throat turned dry.

"Ek mulaqat kafi nhi thi, dobara kab aa rahe hain aap log?" Anwar asked giving big shook to Shifa, Maryam and Bilal.

(One meeting wasn't enough. When you all are coming again?)

"Baat to durust hai ki ek mulaqat kaafi nhi thi, lekin is baar khidmat ka sharf aap log hume baqshiye. Kal raat ka khana hamare gareeb-khaane mein." Mr Kazmi said in most formal way and Anwar hummed.

(Yeah, you're right. Only one meeting wasn't enough, but this time let us serve you. I would like to have your company for dinner, in our home Tomorrow.)

"Chaliye jesa aap chahe, phir kal mulaqat hoti hai.'' And Anwar ends the call. Shifa was standing like a dummy with a slightly open mouth and water in her eyes. 

(Fine, as you wish. See you tomorrow.)

" kya le kar jana hai un logo ke ghar?"

(What to take along while visiting them?)

"Ji?" Maryam blinked in disbelief

(What?)

"Beta ka rishta karne jaa rahi ho, khali hath jaogi?" Anwar asked Maryam like a scolding but She was too blank to react.

(Will you go empty hands to your daughter's would-be in-laws?)

"Umm... I mean..." A confused Maryam tried to answer her husband's question but he just close his eyes with disappointment.

"Tum rehne hi do, main khud dekh lunga kya karna hai." Scolding Maryam he laid down properly and Bilal looked at Shifa and then Maryam. Jumping down from the bed just like a monkey Bilal pulled Shifa's cheeks to express his happiness, surprisingly she didn't feel annoyed as her brain was focusing on only one question; is this a dream? Or reality? 

(You just let it be, I'll see by myself what to do)

Maryam kissed Shifa's cheek with a smile and disappeared into the bathroom to change herself into a night suit after taking a showing. "Is this for real?" Shifa muttered and a tear slipped out from her eyes, "Yes, it is." Bilal smiled and replied in the same whisper.

"Bilal," pressing his own forehead, Anwar called his son "yeah, Papa?" Asked the happy Bilal and Anwar removed his arm from his eyes. "Press my head,"

Bilal who was pressing Anwar's feet just a few minutes ago suddenly made a defeated face but started to do so and Shifa looked at the iron table with a few clothes. To help her mother she started ironing those clothes. It's been only 5 minutes or so when Bilal looked at Anwar who was laying down with shut eyes. "Yaar papa I've to make my assignment, I'll be coming back in ten minutes." Saying that Bilal walked towards the door.

"Bilal." Anwar summoned him, still with closed eyes. Bilal literally ran out of the room but Shifa switched off the iron and sat down on the edge of the bed. Wiping her tears she slowly placed her hand on his forehead and started pressing Anwar's head. Recognising Shifa's touch Anwar open his eyes and found Shifa crying but she was looking away. Anwar remembered her childhood when little Shifa use to show her love for him just like Bilal and Hamdan but he never give her the required attention.

"Go to your room and prepare for your exams, I want you to score better than the past few times. Got it?"

"Yeah." She silently went to her room and close her eyes to flow out all her eyes. "He'll never love me like he does his sons." Shifa jerked her head while opening the book but unknowingly her hand moved toward the mobile. Unlocking it she opened Instagram and found Daniyal online. Though she wanted to talk to him but stopped herself when noticed he just uploaded his story. Without wasting time she opens that which brought a smile to her lips and she put the mobile back.

"Deni, my life is a gloomy night and you're the most awaited dawn of it." She smiled while wiping her tears and didn't realise when she took possession in the arms of slumber instead of spending the remaining night in studying.