Life wasn't easy for me... Never.

Being the first child of a dysfunctional brown family I had been dealing with undiscovered traumas, neglected anxiety attacks, countless responsibilities and loneliness. But there came a point where I found myself lucky even after living in those hard situations. One day when I was signing an application a girl appeared from nowhere. A girl whose face was a mystery. She asked for a pen, I asked her for glue and God knows how this exchange of pen and glue converted to an exchange of our numbers and then to an exchange of our chats. I began to wait for her call every day. She was the only person in my life who told me, without telling me in reality, that I meant the world to her. She wasn't the girl of my dreams because I never dreamt of any kind of relationship but this girl filled my dreamland with rainbows.

She became my dream. My desire. The source of my happiness.

Days converted into months, months into years and a simple man converted into a lover. A lover whose beloved was a voice, just a voice. I wanted that voice to convert into a complete figure in front of my eyes... I wanted to own this figure who had such a beautiful voice but I was afraid of asking her directly. I was struggling with two questions at that time, first Does she also love me or am I only a long-distance mentor to her? And the second but most difficult one to be answered... Does she deserve to leave that hell to come to my home which was another form of hell only?

I never told Madiha but the environment of my home was worse than hers... My home wasn't a home sweet home, It was hell! My father was the devil of that hell who would torment any of the members of this family. And I didn't want that innocent girl to go through any kind of physical harm, she was already going through mental and emotional damage she didn't deserve anything else to be added to her misery.

"Mark my words, Madam, tumhe tumhara shehzada aese rakhega jese phool ko guldaan mein rakha jata hai."

(Mark my words, Madam, your price will treat you like one treats a flower in a vase.)

"Oh, achha... Aur kese rakha jata hai phool ko guldaan mein?"

(Oh really? And how does one treat a flower in a vase?)

"Pyaar se, nazakat se... Dil ke qareeb... Lekin..."

(Lovingly, softly... close to heart... But...)

"Lekin kya Janab?" I just loved it when she called me Janab but she used this word rarely.

(But what Janab (mister)?)

"Lekin bharosa aur intezaar karna padega. Kar sakti ho kisi ka intezaar? Ek esa intezaar jiski koi mohlat na ho!" The question created a silence on the other side. Maybe she was shocked or maybe she wanted some time to answer this question but I didn't want to wait for her to come into my life however I couldn't make way.

(But you will have to trust and wait. Can you wait for someone? A wait that has no end!)

For the next five minutes, I was listening to her breathing pattern and she was sounding nervous. I know, She took deep breaths in nervousness and let them out in big intervals. Many times her breathing patterns told me about her mood, and every time she made an effort to show herself fine but her voice and accent told everything. 

"Main intezaar to kar sakti hu lekin bharosa kese kru? Bharosa karne ke liye kisi rishte ya kisi wade ki zaruri hoti hai." I did not have anything to say in reply. I could promise her at the same moment but what would be the benefit of my hollow words if I wasn't able to fulfil them? That was the second and second last time I made a call to her, other than that only she called me whenever she wanted or needed. 

(I can wait but how can I trust? To trust, you need a relationship or a bond.)

For the next few months, I was dangling between my heart and mind, my heart wanted to propose to Madiha but my mind was stopping me from doing so, I wanted to give her a strong reason that could tie her to me and I did so.

One fine day I told my Ammi that I liked a girl and wanted to get married but not before making a separate home for us... I just wanted to do an engagement or if not an engagement just a small formality that could tie us together. I was surprised when Ammi didn't take more than a few minutes to accept my demand and immediately urged to meet that girl.

The very next day, I wanted to surprise Madiha by visiting her home with Ammi to ask her hand for marriage, but I was unaware of the upcoming time. When we reached her home She was not present but her mother was there. She told me clearly to stay away from her daughter and she didn't want to marry Madiha to anyone unknown and strange like me. The way she insulted us while showing our status... I was shocked. Madiha, who was so polite and kind, her mother could be so harsh? It was true that I wasn't a prince charming about whom any girl could dream but I and my mother did not deserve that insult too. We were poor but not one who could compromise their reputation.

With a broken heart, shattered respect and a devastated dreamland I came back to my home and decided to break all the ties with Madiha. She called me that night but I told her that I was busy. The chain of events went on in the same manner for many days, I kept ignoring her but one day when I received the call to tell her that I was busy her voice stopped me from saying so. "Athar." this was the first time she used my name, before that she was only respectfully using some salutations. "Athar aap kyu naraz hain? Baat kyu nhi kar rhe mujhse? Kya maine koi galti kar di hai?” She asked to give a jolt to my heart. 

(Athar why are you angry? Why aren't you talking to me? Have I made a mistake?)

"Tum roo rhi ho?"

(Are you crying?)

"No," she muttered and I sighed. I knew she was crying. "Kya hua? Batao mujhe." I couldn't see her crying, it wasn't in my control but I just couldn't.

(What happened? Tell me.)

"Aap kyu naraz hain? Baat kyu nhu kar rhe?"

(Why are you angry and not talking to me?)

"First tell me the reason for your tears, then I'll tell you the reason," I told her and decided to share that after hearing what her mother said I did not want to be in her contact but...

"Athar ammi... " she stopped while crying and I patiently waited for her to continue. "Ammi ki reports aayi hain... Doctors keh rhe hain wo kabhi theek nhi ho sakti." she cried out helplessly. 

(Ammi's reports have come... doctors are saying she may never recover.)

"Athar Mera aur Mohsin ka duniya mein koi nhi hai Ammi ke alawa, agar unhe kuch ho gya to? Main bhi mar jaungi unke bina."

(Athar, Mohsin and I have no one in the world except Ammi, what if something happens to her? I will also die without her.)

How could I tell her about her mother's behaviour after hearing this? It was clear that she was unaware of what her mother said but I didn't want to create problems between the mother and daughter so kept everything to myself only. She was broken and I didn't want to break her any more. Time passed at its usual speed, my love wasn't weak enough to fade away just because of her mother's behaviour but the chances of our marriage were zero because Ammi was highly disappointed in my choice.  

With time, many things changed, but not my father's behaviour and home's environment. He was still like a dictator who could beat any of the family members at any time and his first target was his wife, our Ammi. It was difficult for me and my brother to tolerate that violence and in the process of stopping that we both were already hating our father. I was already struggling to find a job and make things better when one day Madiha called me after a long interval, I never knew why she did not call me for so many days but when she gave me the reason I was shocked. Her mother passed away, she was broken badly but somewhere I saw a ray of hope.

Maybe now she could get married.

Maybe now my ammi would accept Madiha and forget everything her mother said.

I tried hard but couldn't unlove her, I only wanted this girl... No one else.

But the same question again stood in front of me... Did she deserve this family and this environment? But at least I wanted to let her know about the dysfunctionality of my family so that she could make up her mind about everything. I waited until she came out of the trauma of her mother's death, how could I talk about marriage when she was crying about her mother's death? And almost 40 days later she again called me to tell me that she got a proposal.

Only I knew how that news worked like a dagger in my heart, but I looked upon my status...

Who was I as compared to that man?

An unemployed man who was trying to get a job and support his family but that man was a well-settled policeman.

What could I offer that girl in return for marriage? 

A home with no peace, a future with no security and a life full of stress but that man had everything, money, reputation, power.

How I could make her feel if we got married?

If I said I would give her love that was the most filmy answer because love was nothing but a feeling that develops or vanishes with the passing time. Madiha could make any man fall for her with her honesty and simplicity but I was sure our love would vanish soon in such an environment.

Conclusively... That guy was a better option for her, what would she get after marrying me? Nothing but pains and trauma... But she could get everything she deserved by getting married to that man.

I let her go for her happiness.

I could never give her that amount of comfort that she will get through That man.

I knew she cried out at that moment, maybe she cried for many hours but it was better to cry for some hours than cry for the rest of her life.

Maybe she was thinking that I played with her emotions but who was there to think about me? I cried out many nights, I didn't eat anything for many days... I let my love go for her betterment. No one could imagine my condition but at one point I regretted it.

I called her on the day of her wedding. I couldn't live without her however I was too late. I waited for many days to get a text from her side but she was Madiha... How could I forget about her loyalty, honesty and sincerity? She even deleted her social media accounts and I felt like I destroyed my palace with my hands. With every ring of the mobile, I felt that she needed me and calling me for help but she never called me again. There was no single day in these four years when I didn't miss her and when I finally decided to flee from the past and this heartbroken phase she came in front of me out of the blue.

And now, every day she sits in front of me as someone else's wife. I have to see her every day and remind myself that she can't be mine. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm becoming mad with every passing day.

A knock on the door grabbed my attention, "Bhai, you summoned me?" Arif opened the door of my room but I did turn to see him. I must hide these tears. "Hmm... Drop that lady at her home, his family must be waiting." standing near the window I just watched the sky which was crying just like me. 

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