ABOUT THE AUTHOR 

Ashwani, a graduate and a book lover enjoy writing and reading. An avid reader and emerging writer, she is dedicated to crafting engaging stories and exploring the world of books.  

Apart from books and writing, she loves gardening and painting.

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SHADOWS OF THE PAST

The Person 

Ahana woke up from her nightmare, pooled in sweat, her sudden waking up, disturbing the other person sleeping next to her. Humming and slightly patting her 4 year old daughter with her trembling hands and unshed tears ,she wiped her face and neck with the back of her palm ,trembling. 

It's not the first time, she whispered,' It'll be okay. It's all in my head.' She tried pacifying herself.

One look at the clock, and she knows it's hardly dawn. Going back to the bed wasn't a choice either.

Ahana knew she wouldn't be able to sleep a wink, so she silently shifted herself from the bed to the nearby couch after making a pillow boundary to ensure her daughter's safety. 

She, sometimes or better to say, most of the time, questioned her identity. What has her parents made her into? She clutched her chest, a tightness engulfing her ,her eyes watery and throat dry, breath confining. The feeling was familiar yet unfamiliar. She was accustomed to it, a feeling that shall remain with her, until her last breath. The anxiety attack captured her slowly, hammering her head and chest. 

Ahana tried breathing at a quick pace, sweating profusely ,trying to muster her courage to not let the others wake up from their slumber. Nothing helped until a strong pull lifted her from the edge of the couch and wrapped her in a strong and warm hug,a soothing familiar smell engulfed her, the anxiousness leaving her slowly. 

She stayed quiet, and neither her husband uttered a word . She didn't want to disturb him, but guess what ,she did that. Before ,she could assume the worst , her husband slowly patted her back,urging her to look at him. 

Ahana pulled away from his embrace, her eyes red and watery. Arjun wiped her tears and the sweat beads from her forehead.  

Giving her a calming smile, he pulled her closer to him ,hugging her close to his chest. Assuring her,she was safe. 

That night, like several nights, she slept in her husband's gentle and warm embrace, like the old days, the days after her marriage, and several other days in the last ten years ,which ensured her protection from this harsh world.  

Little Ahana never imagined that she'd one day have a man in her life ,who'll make her feel safe and protected and secure.  

She hated all the men until her husband walked in and swept her feet from the ground and made her head over heels for him. Home does sometimes mean a person. 

The Present 

Ahana was in the kitchen ,whisking the pancake batter, her mind running back to yesternight's events.  

Her seven years old son was in the kitchen too,helping her. She gently patted his back for helping her with a warm smile and asked him to take a seat. 

It's sunday and everybody was at home. Setting hot pancakes in the dining table, along with milk for kids and coffees for elders ,Ahana sat next to her daughter, feeding the little human with utmost care.  

Arjun heaved a sigh of relief. Seeing his wife,he wished he could do better.  

With the past ,erupting unsaid emotions , Arjun had his food ,time and again, feeding his wife as well, who was feeding his daughter.  

The Past 

Seven years old Ahana wrapped her blanket over her head and huddled herself in the corner of her bed, clutching her knees, whimpering. The child couldn't cry loud, and her eyes shed uncountable water drops. 

She tried to block the loud noises coming from the dining room, and her parents were arguing again. Her elder sister, too, was aimlessly staring at the ceiling, lying down. 

This was something that happened every other day. Ahana's parents would return from their respective works, and their house-help would serve dinner, and them ,like a normal family ,would have food together in complete silence. Once the children would depart to their room, the chaos would start. 

Her parents seemed to be perfect for others, but they'd fight about and over everything,and sometimes, they fought about the kids, too . 

Ahana would hear her mother scream on top of her lungs ,and then some loud noises such as shattering of the plates or glasses, followed by her father, shutting the door at her mother's face and leaving the house in the middle of the night.  

Ahana didn't know when her father returned, but she'd find him in the morning having breakfast and her mother too ,shooting glares at him. If Ahana or her sister uttered something unintentionally ,then her mother would scold her, sometimes hit too.  

Ahana believed that once she grew up ,her life would change, but no ,it didn't. Instead, it got worse, Ahana's parents fought now, too. Over little things ,too. Belittling each other and verbal abusing. Nothing changed. Her elder sister left home,wanting to escape. Her sister joined a workplace faraway, and Ahana couldn't do much. She stayed with her parents. 

 Ahana wanted to run away, far somewhere, where her family wouldn't find her. But then, she was scared. Scared of all the what ifs, scared of everything that would go wrong, scared of all the mishaps, and finally scared of her thoughts and herself.

 She could never heal herself,she thought. She will never be able to overcome all this, she believed. 

 Ahana was twenty-one, a graduate, timid , scared, and aloof. Ahana, too, dreamed of leaving the city for her career like her sister, but she was scared, scared to voice out her opinions. 

 Her timidness, low confidence, and indecision made her lose everything. Her career and her life were the utmost example. 

 The little child in her was already broken beyond repair, was scared.Ahana walked around her parents in an eggshell, frightened what could happen if she did something wrong, unintentionally. 

 Her father always shouted, his way of talking was rude and he couldn't unsee any mistakes. For him, Ahana was supposed to be perfect, but she turned out exactly different,opposite of his expectations. The story of her mother was no different. She taunted Ahana for having no career, friends, or life. 

 Not that her parents didn't love her or her sister, they did. But their way of showing love and care was different. They believed children should be brought up in a strict environment, little did they know, it was everything but a loving environment. 

 At the age of 21, after graduation, she didn't get a job. She was dependent on her parents. Ahana stayed at home reading books,

gardening, and doing mundane things. 

 Whenever her mother's friends visited, they made fun of her,they would start from her job, and it would end with triggering her insecurities. They would talk as if they were motivating, but they were belittling her and body shaming. 

 The little girl in her lost the voice, and the woman in her was dead, living like a corpse. 

 Ahana would cry to sleep, and she was slowly being haunted by negativity. She'd spend time over thinking and self sabotaging.

 A home where you can never be you is not a place worth living. 

 Ahana became too silent, and her parents failed to notice it. Not even her sister, who was already married now, noticed her state. Her sister might even have a story, which would be as devastating as her, she thought.  

 She never complained.

 Ahana was not working, and it was difficult for her parents to search for a good alliance for her since, she was unemployed, when she reached a marriageable age. When her parents found a good alliance, they decided everything on their own, neither asked nor said.

 One day, Ahana was informed about the prospective groom, and the other day, she was meeting the potential groom. Within a few months, she was married, just like that. No one asked her opinion.

 It felt like Ahana's parents dusted off their hands. She felt as if she was a burden for her parents, and she was internally suffering.

 The new environment made Ahana's condition even worse. Ahana struggled to fit and was slowly drowning into depression. The family she got married into was jovial. Everything was different from hers. She couldn't accept the love and care and attention she was receiving. It made her feel even worse. 

 Arjun, her husband, initially couldn't figure out, but when he did, he reached out to help her immediately. Ahana was not that cooperative as he thought. She remained aloof with him. 

 Arjun never thought that she would be too much sensitive and emotional. Even the slightest change in the weather, be it the heavy thunderstorms or lightning, scared her. She was terrified of the loud noises and dark rooms.

 He tried a lot to cross the boundary that she had created, but he couldn't. Even his entire family was very supportive. His mother indulged Ahana in small talks, evening walks, and gardening. Ahana was moved by the old woman's love, but she was in denial. She felt that it was wrong to accept her love. 

 Arjun took her to a consultant ,but she was hysterical, and then he had to quit it .She had slipped into chronic depression long back, and now help was visible, but she was accustomed to that feeling, the feeling of pain, the feeling of abandonment. Ahana was not used to this much love and care and affection. 

 Arjun even informed her parents, but they were too baffled knowing this. Talking to her parents, he felt as if they didn't even know their own daughter , what she was going through all these years. Finding no help from her parents, he felt helpless and disappointed. 

 Then, one day, one of his friends suggested him to talk to her rather than triggering her old wounds than questioning her.  

 Ahana, too, somehow wanted to get herself through it, come out of it, enjoy the life she was now living . Poor girl was unsuccessful in it.  

 Ahana didn't cooperate with him at first, but then, his persistent efforts made her open up to him. 

 As if , it was like, she wanted to vent out everything that she had faced all these years. It was unexpected and unimaginable for someone like him, to accept that the family that looked picture perfect from outside was cracked to the roots from inside. The four walls were confining the family's deepest ugly secrets.  

 When she cried, remembering her 12 years old self ,beaten and locked up in the attic for breaking her mother's favorite vase,by mistake. Or the days when she would make a mistake unknowingly, then she was beaten. Her parents' way of upbringing was abusive and unacceptable. They thought children should be harshly punished for the mistakes so that they'd never repeat it. In order to cultivate discipline and manners, children should be brought up in strict environment, and that's what educated parents of Ahana was doing. 

 Arjun was brought up in a healthy environment, and it was too difficult for him to understand what she had gone through. 

Kids who have never seen peace and kids who have never seen war have different values. 

 The scars left her skin but not her soul. Arjun conveyed all this and much more to the psychiatrist, and the doctor then suggested him certain therapies without medication at first. 

 The Present 

 It was sunday night, and Ahana was writing her diary , a ritual that she started later, she was supposed to visit her parents, next morning which she was dreading to do. Her parents were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, and she was supposed to be present their along with the whole family. 

She still feared her parents, though she claims to have healed her trauma. They were supposed to stay a night and two days. 

Arjun was packing when she entered their room that evening. She was disinterested, but then, like he says, she should face them in order to understand how much she have got through.  

 Every time she had to face her family, she would panic, and her health would deteriorate. She had stopped her medication that she had started later, after the initial phases of marriage, when she came to know that she was going to be a mother for the first time, she fully focused on her health to heal from those unwanted things. Not wanting to raise another her in any form, for that, her healing was necessary. 

 Arjun held her hand tightly in assurance, but she was scared. 

 The next day, they set out to reach her home, or the place where she lived for almost twenty-four years. Her parents were quite a good host, and they wholeheartedly welcomed her, but she couldn't accept their love for her it was acceptable ,it was a facade that they showcased. Her view for her parents never changed even though she forgave them, but she was not ready to forget the things that had happened with her.

 It was evening, and the whole house was decorated to celebrate their day, her parents forty years of togetherness.  

 Funny that her parents fought always in her childhood and never showed their love explicitly, neither implicitly, was playing a lovely couple in front of the guests. She was as much as disinterested as her face was showing it.

 Her children were playing with her sisters children, by the dining, and she was serving drinks along with her elder sibling. Arjun was keeping an eye on her, and whenever their eyes met, he passed an assuring smile, which she gladly accepted.

 Suddenly, they heard sound of glasses shattering and Ahana ran over to her daughter, before her mother could shout at her daughter, she reached out to that little girl and ensured that she was fine and not hurt. 

 Aditi, Ahana's daughter, was crying. The little girl's hand hit the glasses and it fell and broke, when she was playing along with the others. Arjun picked up the kid in his arms and rocked her, muttering an apology . He took the hand of his son as well and went out to the garden to specify the baby. 

 Picking up the shredded glasses and then throwing them in the dustbin nearby, Ahana was quite disturbed but rushing to get to her daughter. When everyone returned to what they were doing earlier, Ahana's mother grabbed her hand tightly and took her to a corner and said, “ Is this how you upbring a child? You failed as a daughter earlier,and now, as a mother, too. You should have punished her for breaking the glasses. She's for now and broke a glass .What if next time, she breaks the window glasses or something else. Is this how I have upbring you? I punished you severely for your mistakes so that you learned to do better. “ 

 Ahana tried to shake off her hand from her mother's grip, which was too tight and painful.

 Ahana whispered calmly but quite firmly, “ No. But I love my daughter, and I don't want her to be another Ahana. She is a kid, and kids can make mistakes. I might have failed you, but I will never fail my daughter by being a mother like you . I don't want her to live her life fearing what if she's wrong and doesn't deserve anything good. And I'd never want her to identify me by my footsteps. “ 

 With a jerk, she freed her hand and went to her daughter. Picking up her daughter from his arms and hugging her gently but in a tight grasp ensured that her kid was not harmed. With her one free hand, she side hugged her son as well, who was frightened, too. Arjun wrapped his hand around the three of them. It's a beautiful site to watch.

 Ahana's mother was hurt and disappointed and stunned.

 Ahana ended the baggage of her traumas, she might have taken time and herself. Traumas can be overwhelming, hindering our ability to live fully and experience the joy that life has to offer us. This time, this generation will end the traumas with themselves and will never carry this to the next generation.

Childhood makes a kids life special, but when they have emotionally unavailable parents, childhood can be a hell. 

 “The child is the father of the man.“ 

 William Wordsworth 

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